I am not me

Had an “event” at 4AM this morning. I was rushed to Secret Location Number 7 which has its own hospital. Probably “gas” the doctors there said. Maybe Sharon’s mini-stroke had me on edge, another suggested. They’ll need to be replaced by boot-lickers soon enough. I tried to count backwards in Andulusan and couldn’t.

I’m thinking that my brain is being replaced in stages. Maybe those techs showed up, after all, and are giving pieces of my gray-matter to “Grey-Boy.” Talk about alien abduction. Damn it; I am an Alien and even I’m not safe from it!

Had lunch with “Grey-Boy” later in the day. He looked unusually smart and confident. He buttered his bread all by himself. I even caught myself day-dreaming about a date with Maureen Dowd; and after what she wrote about me in today’s Times. --I’m not so bad to hang-out with, really. I can be funny and suave and know which wines to order with my Big Mac. --Something screwy is going on... I’ll have to get the NSA on it pronto.

Changes

Saw a memo the other day: Security geniuses can train half-inch wasps, in a matter of hours, to detect bombs. In my day we trained WASPS for intelligence work too, but first had to send them to Yale.

I’m beginning to think it would be a good thing for me if Karl was indicted. I think I can handle “Grey-Boy” on my own. I’m wondering who on my staff can be trusted to leak specific rumors. This is not something I would want to get caught at.

We had a private debriefing with Rummy over the holiday weekend. About I/O. He was full of good cheer, even if the military audiences didn’t snap up the applause lines. But we dropped his bowel and removed the lower core brain and were able to download everything he saw, and heard as well as non-verbal clues and bad thoughts.

As privately suspected it’s a mess. Halliburton’s contracts with the North are still golden, though we haven’t found the right mix of people crazy enough to work there. The Filipinos we're used to, would rather work in Saudi Arabia or Oman. I guess we have to start training the Mexicans, Brazilians and Ecuadorians for such work. --We could pay them a lot less too!

It’ll be tricky legging out of the place before the mid-terms while the Civil War escalates. But I’ve thought about that too. We’ll put a bounty on news-people. Once our troops are clear, no reporter in their right mind will even land at the airport. Heh, heh, heh. What folks don’t know won’t hurt them.

Goodwill

Spent a quiet day contemplating our good fortune. All is well. I thank my stars everyday for Howard Dean. His mouth is set to speaker-phone. It’s the opposite of ‘Grey-Boy,’ whose intellect (circuit-wise) is on semi-mute, except for cussing. Most of what Dean says is probably true, but like Bill Clinton there is no sense of gravity. And unlike Clinton no charm either.

Kerry was a dream too. A real ‘fighter.’ Somebody in his organization must have known he was going to be Dukakis-ed. Kerry wrapped up his nomination in April of ‘04 and stood around waiting for a sucker-punch. Which we happily provided with the Swift-Boat thing and Kerry lay on the canvas and drooled for a few weeks.

Bin Laden had been on vacation for three years. I/O was a mess and all the opposition could do was drool. It’s so easy to see that once we taught ‘Grey-Boy’ about God; (on my knee as a matter of fact) --you could see how GB’s primitive intelligence made all the connections: “Yes, and God loves ME!”

Hear this word...

I’m the Adult in this Administration. So the pundits claim. --If they only knew what they were talking about. Yeah, I got a touch of the holiday blues. Not even curdled Llama’s milk can do its old magic.

With Scooter gone there’s no one to feed counter-Intel to the saps in the press. Like about the growing rift between “Grey-Boy” and me; as if one can have a falling out with an Automaton.  It’s Karl who has minute-to-minute access to the control panel. OK, I won’t go there. Paranoia is counter-productive.

When I begin to feel this way I always cheer myself up with how splendid it is to be able to fool all of the people all of the time. Take I/O: we know, as anyone with half a brain, that we don’t have the troops for a fourth and fifth year rotation. Even with 20-100,000 contractors we can’t carry that weight. So Murtha spills the beans and let’s everyone know we’re mostly out of there in eighteen months. Yet we’ve defined the slander to paint those who want out in six months as traitorous, cut-and-run, cowards while the eighteen-month crowd is virtuous and patriotic. In Eighteen months we’re hoping to have a deal with Sadr for petro-rights in the South and we already have Northern petro-rights sewed up with the Kurds. Win-win on the bottom line; and all paid for with Chinese loans and obligations against the future working class. Brilliant.

We’ve done the same domestically. We painted the bastards against the ‘Alien and Sedition Acts’ as craven enemies of Christ and America. --While we help our buddies in Industry with a flood of cheap, illegal labor. And we do a song and dance about how we will secure those borders ‘down the road.’ Down the road to hell I say! I’m told that on the East Coast you can’t find an English-speaking craftsman in the building trades. All the housing-framers in New Jersey are Brazilian. The laborers are from Ecuador etc. Not only will they work for half the money and no benefits, they don’t know or care about safety rules. They fall off buildings, cut off their hands, gouge out their eyes but still they keep coming for the eight bucks an hour it would take them a week to earn back home. And the North thought it could abolish slavery. Fools! I knew we’d win over time.

Ah, I’m feeling so much better... Let me wish everyone like me a pleasant and prosperous holiday. The rest of you, go _ _ _ _ yourselves.

Am I being too paranoid?

I generally hate TV. I really miss the home shows with their vituperative cynicism. Yeah we get some of that from Fox, but to me it’s preaching to the choir. And that Daily Show bugs me.

Saw “SoftBall” last night. Mathews was off. What’s her name was questioning the vicious Ice-Queen Maureen Dowd. I had to take a pill. Anyway Dowd mentioned that the Republican dream ticket for 2008 would be McCain and Condi. Or, perhaps, Condi heading the ticket as the “SITTING VP!” Which means getting ‘THE MAN’ to step aside early.

I wanted to put a hit on her. But I started thinking. Who is this Maureen Dowd; and what does she know; and when did she know it? I was in the room when the current version of Condi was brought to life. But Condi wouldn’t be doing anything I haven’t done by moving me aside. It’s what I did to my old boss Rummy, who we shipped off to I/O for the day. And McCain; that terrorist-loving S.O.B. --while he was luxuriating at the Hanoi Hilton I was busy making my bones in the Nixon Administration.

It goes back to the Vulcans, once shepherded by King-Maker George Schultz. He was the Grand-Wizard who brought “Grey-Boy” into the world. I told him; Mister Secretary, “Grey-Boy” doesn’t speak any Earth languages properly. And the Grand Wizard in his genius, said to me with the simple sanctity of his position on Earth and in the Oil Industry: “It doesn’t matter.”

I suppose the Scooter-thing has made me vulnerable and the Vulcans have possibly made their decision. Oh, dear me. I need to pray. But no longer to Vulcan that god of fire and smelting; --of the Earth’s cauldron a-boil in deviltry. No, we always pray to gods most like ourselves. Hear this word, Janus, and deliver me from those who would do to me what I would prefer to do to them. Amen.

What’s in a word?

This note is for the file and should be destroyed if the Special Prosecutor ever gets the cohones for a warrant; got that, Addington?

I, throughout my many lives on this silly planet, have always been on the side of orthodoxy and privilege. I often digress about my early days in the Roman Empire, luckily it was during and after the first Century when administrators were prized for their cunning and did not have to show mettle for battle. Often I have been an American. During the Revolution I was naturally a Loyalist to the Crown. I was with Biddle at the Bank of the United States, Judah Benjamin in the Confederacy, etc. But I was not at all times an American; I was with Franco in Spain and much earlier during the Inquisition with Torquemada.

I haven’t always ended up on the side with the biggest winnings but usually have. I admit it has taken 140 years for the Confederacy to finally win the Civil War but you see the point I’m making...

Luckily for us there is no effective opposition. Howard Dean, John Kerry were only 1/8th the potential adversary of say a ‘Bugs Bunny.’ Eventually, though, some malcontent with nothing to lose will see the obvious, and out of sheer stupidity for his own betterment will announce it to the world. Take I/O for example. Our latest claim is that we want ‘Democracy’ there. Give me a break. We want a government for ourselves that knows EVERYTHING it can about its citizens and whose citizens know NOTHING about it. We cherish one-party rule. We will not legislate anything unless there’s a good buck in it for someone we know. We don’t want democracy for I/O; we don’t want it for America!

Anyway. When the Archivists from Andulusa go through the record I want them to know I was prescient enough to investigate and secretly imprison or kill anyone who starts making waves about us being ‘Fascists.’ It’s still an ugly word even though it means beautiful things to many of us, and we can’t let the ‘debate’ go there.

Oh what fun it is...

Oh what fun it is... Yes it’s me singing. I’m using Voice to Text for a hands-free experience. That way I can pat myself on the back. I finally got to do something legal today. I mean I work damn hard coordinating ‘Grey-Boy’ with Karl, giving guidance to that used-up wench of my best friend Rummy etc. But today I got to break a tie in the Senate. And what a pleasure it was too. I cut Medicaid, Medicare and student loans. Just in time for Christmas! What Yule-time joy. My ecstasy knows no bounds.

Heh-heh-heh. I recall some months ago while out pressing the flesh some born-again comes up to me. Not one of our usuals, you know the ‘Pioneers’ and better who run the mega-churches and wear microphones while they’re up there performing and pulling in the big bucks. But some small-town, holy-roller. He comes up to me representing no more than 300 potential voters. So I gave him 15 seconds. He says, “You have got to know JESUS...”

I almost told him the truth: “Know him; I’m the one who recommended he be executed!” And it’s true. It was during a much earlier incarnation on this planet. I was working for Pilate in those days. He taught me a lot too. I’ll always regard Pilate as an important mentor. He told me not to use high office to chase tail, but to accumulate wealth. Which is what I’ve done all these earth-lives. Make your connections, take your bribes, use your influence and you will rise to the top of the heap.

As for Jesus or whatever Jewish name he was using, not very memorable: Just a malcontented local. Certainly wasn’t any music swelling in the background when he moved his eyeballs. We executed a lot of dangerous types in those days. Hell, we had our own version of the Patriot laws. Ha, ha, ha. Hey, pass on to ZXYUP a ‘Happy Saturnalia’ for me. Bye.

Before I start complaining...

Got back from I/O last night. I hate going there, but we can’t send “Grey-Boy.” We sent him once, he spent two hours pretending to be like everybody else, which doesn’t work. On second thought maybe we will send him again, that is if he doesn’t go berserk like he did last night.

This actually gets funny, but Karl was sweating bullets. He had to run last night’s speech on his own. I know he hates it. With all that circuitry blown it gets trickier. It’s a marathon event and Karl usually puts on a diaper before show-time.

Anyway, as they were downloading the speech GB starts going haywire. He begins strutting around the room proclaiming, “I am the leader, you must obey me!” Karl couldn’t contain him and GB got loose in the hallway. He made one of the Marine guards salute him and then tie his shoes.

Karl dismissed the Marines and was able to “Zero-Figure” him right there. As you might remember there is a little button in the top of his rectum which puts him into a “Jumping Jack” position and opens his brain case. That’s where the re-set handle is. No one else came along and once re-set Karl got him out of the hallway.

Tonight’s the press-conference. It’ll be a two-diaper event for Karl. But I’ll be there too. We figure we’ll hold it to thirty programmable talking points. My ratio is to work in the words: “freedom” fifteen times, “victory” eight times, and “protect” twenty times. I used to worry that the fact his syntax was shot would make him a laughing stock, but hell, it’s been five years, and even if his poll numbers have gone a bit south the rubes still take it seriously!

If you guys can’t send a decent tech, or new parts how about a DVD of my favorite shows I’m missing down here. I’ve always been a big fan of the ‘Hail Storm’ show.

Can you hear me?

The folks down here are getting suspicious. We need new instructions. "Grey-Boy" has been off his game. We need some techs for a major fix. We had to give interviews and you could almost hear the X-Tube sparking from his head-device. Don't know how long we can keep this going without a total replacement. As ZXYUP may have mentioned my priority request for "Grey-Boy2" or even "Grey-BoyB" has been in channel for at least two local years.

Condi's doing great. We could use a dozen more. They think those Anduluson freckles means she's a minority. Yeah, I'll say. Did Karl tell you about Rummy? His entire bowel dropped out on the way to a hearing. He didn't know about it either. His nerve sensation had been switched to off. A couple of deputies had to pull him into a men's room in the Senate and relocate forty pounds of innards from his pants. Luckily they fit it into several briefcases. Part of his brain module was attached, but he didn't need it. At least half the Senate are our clones, the rest are so dumb and gutless they could question a mannequin to their satisfaction. Anyway, Rummy's out. They stopped making his model early last century and we'll just do a replacement. Though, this will cause exception errors with "Grey-Boy." He doesn't recompute new names or faces. "Grey-Boy's" face doesn't work either. But he's done an outstanding job seeing how he was put into place with the vocabulary and syntax structure of a dolphin.

I have to sign off for now. One of my guys is facing a trial. Now there's a joke for you. Hail Andulusa!

Later,
"C"