How To Save Iraq

The only hope for a unified Iraq, and a calmer Middle East, rests with an Iraqi strongman. Secretary Rumsfeld was dispatched on a vital mission to Baghdad. He met with the most likely candidate to unify Iraq in the latter’s holding cell while awaiting execution. “I think it was all just a misunderstanding. Sorry about your sons, Saddam,” Secretary Rumsfeld told the once and future Iraqi president while shaking hands again with Saddam Hussein. Saddam was coy to the prospect however. He asked for three billion in ‘walking around money’ as well as a huge arms shipment.

Saddam also raised the prospect of governing a nation in chaos without a solidly functioning oil industry to provide revenue. Perhaps, Rumsfeld suggested, President Hussein might be interested in some nearby oil fields, like Kuwait? Still Saddam demurred, feeling that a nuclear-armed Iran next-door would prove too formidable for him. “Look we’re allies once more,” We said clinching the deal. “We could provide ten small nuclear warheads for defensive purposes...”

And this is how peace will be restored to the world order. US Intelligence sources ridicule the notion that Iraq is receiving assistance from Pakistan in building two guided ballistic missiles with a six thousand mile range called the Uday and Qusay.