Saturday, November 11, 2006

Rummy's Out

Rummy's been de-commissioned. Just as well, the guy was running on weak batteries. I tried to reason with Grey-boy, as if anyone can reason with a half-robot.

Karl and I told him we should stonewall the media and the congress as we've been doing.

But Grey-boy went back to his other daddy. His other daddy through the ventriloquist Baker said to take out Rummy and Me.

Rummy's gone for parts. I've been vacationing at my cyborg ranch on Andulusa. The next year should be fun. We really fixed Iraq. Now, on to the next fiasco!

Friday, August 04, 2006

How To Save Iraq

The only hope for a unified Iraq, and a calmer Middle East, rests with an Iraqi strongman. Secretary Rumsfeld was dispatched on a vital mission to Baghdad. He met with the most likely candidate to unify Iraq in the latter’s holding cell while awaiting execution. “I think it was all just a misunderstanding. Sorry about your sons, Saddam,” Secretary Rumsfeld told the once and future Iraqi president while shaking hands again with Saddam Hussein. Saddam was coy to the prospect however. He asked for three billion in ‘walking around money’ as well as a huge arms shipment.

Saddam also raised the prospect of governing a nation in chaos without a solidly functioning oil industry to provide revenue. Perhaps, Rumsfeld suggested, President Hussein might be interested in some nearby oil fields, like Kuwait? Still Saddam demurred, feeling that a nuclear-armed Iran next-door would prove too formidable for him. “Look we’re allies once more,” We said clinching the deal. “We could provide ten small nuclear warheads for defensive purposes...”

And this is how peace will be restored to the world order. US Intelligence sources ridicule the notion that Iraq is receiving assistance from Pakistan in building two guided ballistic missiles with a six thousand mile range called the Uday and Qusay.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The New Enemy

It's totally untrue that my role in this Administration has been affected. I've been involved in evaluating new threats to our country. Just the other day in Sierra Leone a group of chimpanzees escaped from a preserve and attacked American tourists. A local man was killed in the attack. Blame decades of liberal animal-rights organizers mollycoddling these vicious beasts. Liberal Hollywood movies have perverted our thinking about these primates. They are our competitors! We need to show our resolve to the chimpanzee threat worldwide! If we want to preserve our way of life we'll have to be prepared to bite them back and pull off THEIR gonads. At the very least we must continue to destroy their habitats where they learn hatred for the American way of life. Death to Chimpanzees!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Blame Game

It’s nice to see how everything is deconstructing. ---Or in other words, success has many mothers, failure is an abortion --pardon my French. Facing the midterms we have to decide whether we are still for “endless victory,” or withdrawal with honor.

Our party is turning on itself. The paleoconservatives are fingering the neo-cons. Paleoconservatives like to blame everything on Blacks, Jews and foreigners. For shorthand, these odious types are now simply called “neo-cons.” Heh, heh, heh. Neither me, nor Rummy nor our robot-leader-in-chief are neo-cons. So guess where this is heading? Heh, heh, heh.

Oh well, on to the next fiasco!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

the Wrong Ranger

I’m laughing and scratching about the course of human events. Too bad I kept myself out-of-the-loop on the port deal. I had the answer: Port ownership needs to be highly classified for national security purposes. But the end is coming for the Republican Party; and it’s not over the port-thing unless a dirty bomb goes off in Baltimore over the summer.

South Dakota has already banned abortions. I hope Karl is computing this. Mississippi is next, etc. The unlikely Democratic coalition of farmers, laborers and intellectuals lasted from 1932 until 1968. Besides the yadda-yadda about Civil and sexual rights fracturing the Democrats then stuck in Vietnam, thanks to the Kennedy brothers on one side and a befuddled Johnson facing Barry Goldwater on the other (more about Barry later): We ran out of voting Americans who work as farmers and laborers! The Republican coalition of God and Mammon will last a whole-lot shorter.

Think of all those middle-class suburbanites planning another child, only age or genetics has them uncertain about it. They know the federal government won’t help with health care or institutionalization, so they do an amniocentesis. Not any more! Thirteen year old got knocked up; off to the baby factory! And from the real right-wing --hear that call of dismay over another 10,000 unwanted crack-babies rolling off the assembly-line. Nothing, fails like success. Not that abortion will really be banned anymore than illegal drugs are unavailable... but the coalition will crack.

This Republican Party was already a misnomer. This is not the party of Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt, but a Republican Party of Jeff Davis, the Standard Oil Trust and Billy Sunday. It will break up into: The Abolitionists (of abortion), the CEO-Lobbyist Party (with the fewest members and the most money), the Anti-Tax Party, the Anti-Evolution Party (the Know-Everythings and the Know-Nothings) and lastly the Medium-Racist Party. This last faction is why Dr. Rice, even with a personality transplant, can not successfully take over my job!

Now back to Barry, who was not deluded about procreation-rights belonging to the State (a position of Hadrian); we see where “Extremism in the defense of Liberty is no vice,” can take you: To a horde of semi-literate peasants wrapped up at Gitmo with little use to anybody. An example of how rhetoric unhinged from logic becomes banal.

Given the indecisive gutlessness of the Democrats if Lou Dobbs wants to be President, his chance is coming.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006


I was saved. Andulusan psycho-surgeons descended in the dark of night and repaired Harry, thereby salvaging me. As Clinton already proved, public figures can not shoot off their guns in private and avoid public disclosure.

I look at my work here and feel satisfied. Democratization of the Mid-East proceeds according to plan. An analogy would be turning hornets into honeybees by shoving a stick into their hive; conquering the fly-paper with five divisions financed by a tax-cut. The insect comparisons are endless.

Globalization of capital, dilution of equity, and the controllership of a non-owning managerial class will end the Western Nation-States. Environmental and economic disruptions and dislocations will turn the masses of people into a servile class and then into rampaging mobs. Fundamentalisms will foster hatred and war. Fragmentation, division and disintegration will finish the job.

I am happy.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Mood Change

Yeah ok, I’m a shootist as long as the target can’t shoot back. Blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum. Don’t I have any regrets? Of course. I regret that bastard spoiling my shot, and helping me to end my career.

Last night I had to meet with the Andulusan counsel. Hard to say who exactly was there as everyone had on their hoods and robes. I thought I heard the voice of the Grand Wizard, King-maker George Schultz. I strained to hear if Karl was still included. I know for awhile his fate was being decided as well.

I think my role here in this body could be nearly over... It saddens me. Deeply. We own the courts, the executive and the Congress... I can get away with cooked intel, inventing war, smearing adversaries. For allowing industrial lobbies and cronies to craft public policy, etc. But we don’t own the court of public opinion. All of my other crimes are too complex for today’s simple minds to comprehend. But the court of public opinion operates on simplicity and emotional taglines: “Old guy shoots older guy.” It’s pathetic but it’s classic TV. It’s the 11 o’clock news.

Maybe we can get Bin Laden to take down another building: Like the Washington Post... Well, like I always say, “I’m not from Pluto but I’m still a plutocrat.