idiot-ology

Let's get something straight: There are no issues on this planet; only people's competing interests. Ideology is about money and prejudice. I don't believe in ideology. I do believe in money and prejudice.

Here's an example: Liberals say there should be no bullying in the school yard. Old-fashioned conservatives say bullying belongs in the school yard; it's an important life lesson. Modern conservatives say: If someone hits my kid I want the full weight of the law to crush that bully. But if my kid hits somebody else then obviously the other kid deserved it and he should take it like a man instead of a cry-baby.

This course called Making Cognitive Dissonance work for you was the most important piece of my curriculum back on Andulusa where I studied diligently for my MFA degree. I majored not in Law or Economics but in something far more profound from which all the other disciplines are derived: Bullshit. It's taken me to where I am today.

Democracy in the Mid-East!

Hamas, the terrorist organization looks like it won the ‘Palestinian’ Parliamentary election. Good show. Get them all in one place, I say, and kill them. Actually if they had any oil we would recognize them immediately and switch our stooge-payoff program from Fatah. But they have no oil, only religious fervor.

Since we have I/O on our hands we won’t be killing anybody; which is a shame. The best we can hope for is a Civil War. Hopefully we could back both sides till everybody’s dead. The only complication I can see is for our plans A & B. Plan A calls for us to equip the Israeli military to attack the Iranian nuclear facilities. Plan B is to shortly thereafter condemn the Israelis at the United Nations and cut off further aid to them. It’s such a genius-plan I’m surprised I thought of it by myself.

The problem as I see it is a personal one. First of all I am being ‘effective’ and as a result am breaking my personal vow: ‘To always do harm.’ I’ll have to sort this one out with my spiritual and strategy counselor on Andulusa.

The next to the last word

While I’m feeding I watch the political talk shows. It’s good for laughter which is an aid to digestion. Some smart-ass, liberal wise-acre starts jabbering: “History won’t ‘mis-under-estimate’ this President...”

I began shouting at the TV with a mouthful of food. Messy. Of course “Grey-Boy” was underestimated by all his opponents. They looked, they saw a ne’er-do well from a rich family. A former drinker with no wisdom and limited intellect; --and figured he’s a political lightweight. But they didn’t know who built him! --The greatest media-geniuses in the galaxy.

“Grey-Boy” works like a machine. Hell, he is one! He will do and say anything to get what he wants. Or what he’s been instructed to get. And if it still can’t be gotten; well he didn’t want it in the first place.

Thomas Jefferson paid money to politically smear his old friend, crazy-John Adams. Today’s liberals want to discuss ISSUES. Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ha. Issues are what we call out-of-date magazines. So put that in your pipe and stroke it!

We are at War

Every time one of those mealy-mouthed democrats opens his girly-mouth to complain about us looting the treasury, rolling wads of cash off our fat-cat pals for high-bid government contracts etcetera all we have to do to stop them dead in their tracks, is to say with all the seriousness we can muster. “We are a nation at WAR.” --You traitorous slime are emboldening our enemies. And the liberal bastards run home crying.

It’s always good for a gut-busting laugh. I’m the guy who cut the defense budget 25% under ‘Grey-Boy’s’ daddy-o. Heh, heh, heh. Had to. It was the peace dividend! Hah, hah, ho. Reagan had gone nuts on his 600 ship navy and ABMs. We pawned off the S & Ls to the Commercial Banks. We removed oversight. (Remember Junk-Bonds?) And then a few years later had to bail out the Financial Industry to a tune of, oh, around 5 trillion dollars when the commercial real-estate bubble collapsed. That was good for a laugh. “Grey-Boy’s” kid brother got caught with his tit in the ringer but got off.

So, yeah, we got 10 divisions in the Army and 2 1/2 for the Marine Corps. I did that a generation ago. We would have trouble fighting the Philippine Insurrection against natives with bolo knives. It’s been how long now, and there’s still this insolent debate about armor for “Humvees,” ( a stupid idea for an overpriced vehicle) and soldiers. While I thought this war a really good idea, I always thought the tax cut was a better one!

Whenever I see one of our Congressional caucus repeating the talking points, ‘we are at war’ to deflect whatever marginal criticism is being leveled by some gutless opponent, I high-five the TV. “Attaboy.” One Tenth of one percent of “us” are at war. The rest of us are “at money.” If you don’t like it wimp, then wipe your behind with it.

Because I Can

If I’m careful... –and I mean careful with that new ‘multiple-me personality recast’ switch, I can get a setting where I don’t really assume a distinct personality, but I can LISTEN in to what people are thinking! Lots of them!

It’s cool and this way I can avoid reading that mountainous pile of transcripts that the NSA drops off by the truckload. I’m technically breaking the so-called law all by myself. And I’m lovin’ it!

McCain’s climbing on the anti-oil bandwagon; the ‘greenie.’ At least he wants to go nuclear. He’s not becoming a windmill-guy like Don Quixote or Donkey-Oatie as I like to call him. I think that’s where the Democrats come from...

Oil’s buttered my bread all these years. So has Government largess. Government built the canals and then collateralized the railroads, built the highways for the car industry, built the airports for the airlines, built the friggen’ sports stadiums for all the teams (Grey-Boy’s only success story). Government made the country rich and more importantly it’s made ME rich. So you can wipe your behind with all that free-market pap. And in another era I told that to Adam Smith.

I told him, look without Charters indemnifying against loss the Colonies (America) wouldn’t have come to anything. Government’s got to pick winners or it will end up picking losers. – Which brings me back to present day. ‘Grey-Boy’ will never pick another winner. But that’s a whole ‘nother story. Heh, heh, heh. How’d I get going on these tangents? Oh, yeah... --because I can!

Two Hearts

Maureen Dowd, Maureen Dowd, Maureen Dowd. When have two opposing hearts had so much of each other on their minds? Of course my reserve heart has been moved to a secure spot behind my right knee. She’s after me again in today’s Times.

It’s the old taunt about not catching Osama bin Laden. She’s smarter than ‘Grey-Boy,’ too, but doesn’t quite get it either. It’s an old trick, called ‘Wars of the Stooges.’ If, you, the owners of a country are taking away rights, privileges, shares of wealth etcetera; you must provide suitable distractions.

Look at four of our last ‘wars:’ Manuel Noriega, former dictator of Panama had been on the C.I.A.’s payroll. Saddam Hussein, whom we have had the honor of fighting twice was our de facto ally against the Iranians in the mid-eighties.

We sent Rumsfeld there several times to shake Saddam’s hand. Once to sell them a pipeline deal and once on behalf of the Reagan Administration to hand-over satellite intelligence and billions of dollars in ‘agricultural assistance’ made fungible just for him so he could turn it into cash for the arms market.

Poison gas for Saddam? We and our Western allies made all that possible. In between we created the ‘mujahideen’ and thereafter the Taliban with two billion dollars. A billion from our taxpayers and another billion of recycled petro-dollars via the Saudis. So indirectly Osama bin Laden and his ‘computer data-base’ (Al Qaeda) of mujahideen have been a creation of our Foreign Policy.

You need wars and the threat of war as a suitable distraction. Who we gonna fight; China? That would be a real war with real consequences. We’d prefer to hand the Chinese our industry, give them to Wal-Mart as America’s supplier and borrow our money back from China at modest rates. This only makes sense, of course, if you understand our final game plan [Yuk, yuk].

But Maureen, Maureen, Maureen. --I need to remember not to move my head too suddenly as the personality switching-device could self-engage. I have learned to learn about her, without becoming her (again).

Most Strange

This place is most strange. And look at me. No wonder I can’t find a husband. I am a husband! Need to get contacts, a high-class wig (reddish). Drop forty pounds and obtain some stylish clothes (and heels).

Things to do: Call for referral for surgeons. Have breast augmentation, sex-change operation and add freckles.

Draft for column: Abraham Lincoln (remember him) was the first Republican President. He was reared in a tiny wooden shack without plumbing or loving-kindness. His family owned an ax and a plow. He had little formal schooling and went on to become an inspiring writer, speaker (yes a lawyer too) and leader. The clarity of his thought is obvious across the planet and the generations. He was even nicknamed for his truthfulness. Inheriting a divided nation he saved the Union.

If Lincoln was Lincoln, then the current Republican President is the anti-Lincoln. His parents, grandparents and great-grandparents were millionaires. He went to the finest and most expensive schools and can not speak a single clear sentence. He is quoted only to prove the untruthfulness of earlier statements or by humorists mocking his twisted logic and prose. He inherited a nation calling for unity and instead divided it...

Side note: Throw out all the crap in the refrigerator and pick up some yogurts and bran muffins. God, these legs are awful. And I’m so out of shape. Time for a few crunches. Ugh, Ooo, Ugh. Maybe some jumping-jacks will get the blood pumping. Yikes what was that?

Thank goodness, the switch clicked over... Let’s see these computer notes. She was going to cut off my gonads! Just like her. Yogurt? Must have a good steak. Take an extra pill.

Will you read this trash... I’ll have to remove the hard-drive and eat it. Oh by the way, here’s a little collage of my return trip.

Multiple Me

One of the new fixes I got off-planet, was the multiple-me re-cast switch. I can press a button and start thinking (and feeling) like anyone I want. It’s a great way to get a leg up on your enemies. This morning, while shaving I tried being Howard Dean for five minutes. My eyes got that weird look to them and I began hissing and cackling into the shaving mirror. I suppose it was Howard Dean looking into MY face.

I tried explaining it to ‘Grey-Boy.’ He nodded his half-robot head and sputtered something about tuning in “Ben Loden” (sic). I said that’s ‘Bin Laden,’ not Ben Loden. And this is a skill-set to be used against our ENEMIES not the stooges that keep us in power. He nodded, but doesn’t get it.

Anyway, I think this is really neat. I’m going to switch over my alter-personality to Maureen Dowd for a few minutes and see what she’s up to.

Oh my gosh! Ugh... I’ve got to get back... Uh oh, I think the switch is stuck...

Toys

I got a neat gift back on Andulusa. It’s a Kerry-Wimp doll. You can step on it and it will whine: “Please don’t do that. It may be illegal.” And it makes the real Kerry scratch his chin. I love it. I’ve been stepping on it all day; it just cracks me up. I understand that Senator Kerry now has a chin rash. Too bad; maybe that’s illegal. Ha, ha.

Read Dowd today in the Times. Finally. She called it. If the real Kerry had gone to the Alamo in April of 2004. Looked into the camera instead of gawking around, and said: “ ‘Grey-Boy’ is a yellow-belly, influence-peddling, lie-in’ son of a bitch. And I’m gonna kick his little ass right here in Texas.” He’d be President right now. Of course then he’d have to figure out what to do with I/O. And we had sacked the Treasury already, leaving nothing but I.O.U.s...

But, enough pontificating. Listen to this: [Crunch] “Please don’t do that. It may be illegal.” I love it! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Back in the saddle again

Back from the Saturnalia and feeling goooood! Had my spine stiffened back home, along with some real good personality infusions. I think they sent my holiday-hologram on some talk shows while I was away. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Watched some of the Alito hearings from the Star-Gate waiting lounge. I’m lovin’ it! To be fair Americans aren’t any stupider (ok, more stupid) than anyone else: they’re just as stupid.

Specter used the “i” - word. Impeach “Grey-Boy” and, what, get me? Americans don’t care about civil liberties. Americans don’t care about terrorists either. They only want someone to tell them bed-time stories. Americans are a people who want to believe. In Jesus. In anything. OK I got a bed-time story for you. “Go to friggin’ sleep, before I have you tortured to death in Syria. Ha, ha, ha, ha.  Oh, yeah, boy. It’s good to be back.