Silence

I was saved. Andulusan psycho-surgeons descended in the dark of night and repaired Harry, thereby salvaging me. As Clinton already proved, public figures can not shoot off their guns in private and avoid public disclosure.

I look at my work here and feel satisfied. Democratization of the Mid-East proceeds according to plan. An analogy would be turning hornets into honeybees by shoving a stick into their hive; conquering the fly-paper with five divisions financed by a tax-cut. The insect comparisons are endless.

Globalization of capital, dilution of equity, and the controllership of a non-owning managerial class will end the Western Nation-States. Environmental and economic disruptions and dislocations will turn the masses of people into a servile class and then into rampaging mobs. Fundamentalisms will foster hatred and war. Fragmentation, division and disintegration will finish the job.

I am happy.

Mood Change

Yeah ok, I’m a shootist as long as the target can’t shoot back. Blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum. Don’t I have any regrets? Of course. I regret that bastard spoiling my shot, and helping me to end my career.

Last night I had to meet with the Andulusan counsel. Hard to say who exactly was there as everyone had on their hoods and robes. I thought I heard the voice of the Grand Wizard, King-maker George Schultz. I strained to hear if Karl was still included. I know for awhile his fate was being decided as well.

I think my role here in this body could be nearly over... It saddens me. Deeply. We own the courts, the executive and the Congress... I can get away with cooked intel, inventing war, smearing adversaries. For allowing industrial lobbies and cronies to craft public policy, etc. But we don’t own the court of public opinion. All of my other crimes are too complex for today’s simple minds to comprehend. But the court of public opinion operates on simplicity and emotional taglines: “Old guy shoots older guy.” It’s pathetic but it’s classic TV. It’s the 11 o’clock news.

Maybe we can get Bin Laden to take down another building: Like the Washington Post... Well, like I always say, “I’m not from Pluto but I’m still a plutocrat.”

Shooting Lawyers (More)

As usual the bleating fools of the fourth estate missed the real story. They have made controversy over the delay in reporting the incident instead of what the details of the event mean: Here I am cavorting on the Ponderosa with anti-Ben Cartwright types, shooting things in fine style. Meanwhile real people in the Northeast are shoveling snow and everyone else is watching TV. The real story is, and will always be, how DIFFERENT I am from 99.9% of the people who think they are my countrymen!

As far as reporting the incident, I'll be damned if I'm going to bother discussing details every time I shoot someone. There's a war on, you know. In this case I was only being polite to the aristocracy of this 50,000 acre fiefdom to allow the noblesse time to escape before the hounds of the press descended upon them.

In other news, I see that McCain was in South Carolina smooching the very 'tuckus-es' of those-of-us who dumped on him in the 2000 primary. Which proves his own point of how important money is to power. If he keeps this up he will (hopefully) lose the independents!

Oh, and don't let me forget a very special Valentine's message... especially to you Maureen Dowd!

I’d like to refute that allegation

About the VP shooting somebody: Let me set this story straight. I did not fire out of the window of my hovercraft at pen-raised birds and shoot a fellow hunter because he mentioned something about wiretaps being illegal. That’s hogwash! We were in the field at least five feet from the craft and the guy snuck up behind me and yelled “Look out, Howard Dean’s crazy-train is coming to town!” You damn right I shot him then. Who wouldn’t?

It’s been a rough week, too. The only sleep I got was a fifteen minute doze, if you will, on the Lehrer snooze hour.

Bored by Gore, or gored by Gore?

Had an awful dream. Must of come about after watching Carvell and Begala with Big Tim pushing their latest loser-book. --And those nachos with fermented horse cheese. Carvell, and I know him through Mary, gave his half-assed prognostications: Twenty per cent chance I would run for “Grey Boy’s” job in ’08 and totally convinced Gore would run for the weak-Willy side.

In this terrible dream, the anti-Andulusan forces remake Al Gore, America’s number one nerd into Moses. He runs for Congress in ’06; six months into an economic depression. Not only gets a seat in the House but is made Speaker by the loser-landslide that defies our ten years of gerrymandering!

“Grey-Boy,” Me and half the Supreme Court gets impeached. The Republican minority in the Senate decides to lay-low and protect their own seats so they vote with the majority.... and, here’s the really scary part: I go to Jail!

Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter try to foment a mob uprising but are hanged for sedition.

I’ve thought about it good and hard. For one thing it was only a dream. Second-of-all I’ve been trained in Andulusan self-defense. If provoked, I can turn from my attacker and expel feces with brutal force. So watch out!

State of the Onion

I didn’t write last night’s speech. But agreed with Karl about the overall strategy: Take a glib phrase from the Democrats about oil-addiction, and say little to upset the mid-terms. Luckily we are running against the luckless! Democrats are playing wiffle-ball in a game dominated by ad-hoc rugby-rules.

‘Grey-Boy’ is not to blame for getting us addicted to oil. He was only a dry-hole salesman at best. We both profited off the oil industry. Especially me. I knew years ago that gasoline was the devil’s urine and wanted to play a role in promoting it. Every S.U.V that fills its tank buys at least one bullet for the cause of jihad. It’s symmetry.

The challenge for us, who believe in power but not in government, is to uphold the former at the demise of the latter. So far it’s been easy to do. People are too forgetful. There’s the ‘Grey-Boy’ before 9/11 and the one after. There’s the ‘Grey-Boy’ who had indiscretions as a young man and the born-again ‘Grey-Boy’ who is forgiven. The same logic does not apply to minorities on death-row. But our philosophy is the philosophy of the lucky.

Uh, oh. The multiple-me recast switch has been moved. I feel myself plunging into the persona of a sixth-grade teacher:

“Distinguished guests, winners of reality shows --including the one in the Middle-East... and boys and girls. Today is report card day and I have to say, though you are capable of getting an A-minus; you are doing D-plus work. I have checked many recommendations for you which you should review with your parents, if you have any.

“First of all you need to study harder. A few facts do not make the truth. In depth knowledge is a pre-requisite for avoiding mistakes. Also, you need to learn how to get along with others. Here in Washington you boys and girls have engaged in a very mean-spirited name calling contest and have avoided your studies. You have spent your allowance and everyone else’s frivolously. And boys and girls if you have to pay somebody to be your friend, then that is not a good friend. That is a temporary playmate who will soon turn on you as you are now finding out. The state of our union is becoming pungent; it’s enough to make me cry.”