Alien Rest Stop

Rummy's Out

2006-11-11T08:39:00.000-08:00

Rummy's been de-commissioned. Just as well, the guy was running on weak batteries. I tried to reason with Grey-boy, as if anyone can reason with a half-robot.

Karl and I told him we should stonewall the media and the congress as we've been doing.

But Grey-boy went back to his other daddy. His other daddy through the ventriloquist Baker said to take out Rummy and Me.

Rummy's gone for parts. I've been vacationing at my cyborg ranch on Andulusa. The next year should be fun. We really fixed Iraq. Now, on to the next fiasco!

How To Save Iraq

2006-08-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

The only hope for a unified Iraq, and a calmer Middle East, rests with an Iraqi strongman. Secretary Rumsfeld was dispatched on a vital mission to Baghdad. He met with the most likely candidate to unify Iraq in the latter’s holding cell while awaiting execution. “I think it was all just a misunderstanding. Sorry about your sons, Saddam,” Secretary Rumsfeld told the once and future Iraqi president while shaking hands again with Saddam Hussein. Saddam was coy to the prospect however. He asked for three billion in ‘walking around money’ as well as a huge arms shipment.

Saddam also raised the prospect of governing a nation in chaos without a solidly functioning oil industry to provide revenue. Perhaps, Rumsfeld suggested, President Hussein might be interested in some nearby oil fields, like Kuwait? Still Saddam demurred, feeling that a nuclear-armed Iran next-door would prove too formidable for him. “Look we’re allies once more,” We said clinching the deal. “We could provide ten small nuclear warheads for defensive purposes...”

And this is how peace will be restored to the world order. US Intelligence sources ridicule the notion that Iraq is receiving assistance from Pakistan in building two guided ballistic missiles with a six thousand mile range called the Uday and Qusay.

The New Enemy

2006-04-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

It's totally untrue that my role in this Administration has been affected. I've been involved in evaluating new threats to our country. Just the other day in Sierra Leone a group of chimpanzees escaped from a preserve and attacked American tourists. A local man was killed in the attack. Blame decades of liberal animal-rights organizers mollycoddling these vicious beasts. Liberal Hollywood movies have perverted our thinking about these primates. They are our competitors! We need to show our resolve to the chimpanzee threat worldwide! If we want to preserve our way of life we'll have to be prepared to bite them back and pull off THEIR gonads. At the very least we must continue to destroy their habitats where they learn hatred for the American way of life. Death to Chimpanzees!

Blame Game

2006-03-20T08:13:00.000-08:00

It’s nice to see how everything is deconstructing. ---Or in other words, success has many mothers, failure is an abortion --pardon my French. Facing the midterms we have to decide whether we are still for “endless victory,” or withdrawal with honor.

Our party is turning on itself. The paleoconservatives are fingering the neo-cons. Paleoconservatives like to blame everything on Blacks, Jews and foreigners. For shorthand, these odious types are now simply called “neo-cons.” Heh, heh, heh. Neither me, nor Rummy nor our robot-leader-in-chief are neo-cons. So guess where this is heading? Heh, heh, heh.

Oh well, on to the next fiasco!

the Wrong Ranger

2006-03-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

I’m laughing and scratching about the course of human events. Too bad I kept myself out-of-the-loop on the port deal. I had the answer: Port ownership needs to be highly classified for national security purposes. But the end is coming for the Republican Party; and it’s not over the port-thing unless a dirty bomb goes off in Baltimore over the summer.

South Dakota has already banned abortions. I hope Karl is computing this. Mississippi is next, etc. The unlikely Democratic coalition of farmers, laborers and intellectuals lasted from 1932 until 1968. Besides the yadda-yadda about Civil and sexual rights fracturing the Democrats then stuck in Vietnam, thanks to the Kennedy brothers on one side and a befuddled Johnson facing Barry Goldwater on the other (more about Barry later): We ran out of voting Americans who work as farmers and laborers! The Republican coalition of God and Mammon will last a whole-lot shorter.

Think of all those middle-class suburbanites planning another child, only age or genetics has them uncertain about it. They know the federal government won’t help with health care or institutionalization, so they do an amniocentesis. Not any more! Thirteen year old got knocked up; off to the baby factory! And from the real right-wing --hear that call of dismay over another 10,000 unwanted crack-babies rolling off the assembly-line. Nothing, fails like success. Not that abortion will really be banned anymore than illegal drugs are unavailable... but the coalition will crack.

This Republican Party was already a misnomer. This is not the party of Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt, but a Republican Party of Jeff Davis, the Standard Oil Trust and Billy Sunday. It will break up into: The Abolitionists (of abortion), the CEO-Lobbyist Party (with the fewest members and the most money), the Anti-Tax Party, the Anti-Evolution Party (the Know-Everythings and the Know-Nothings) and lastly the Medium-Racist Party. This last faction is why Dr. Rice, even with a personality transplant, can not successfully take over my job!

Now back to Barry, who was not deluded about procreation-rights belonging to the State (a position of Hadrian); we see where “Extremism in the defense of Liberty is no vice,” can take you: To a horde of semi-literate peasants wrapped up at Gitmo with little use to anybody. An example of how rhetoric unhinged from logic becomes banal.

Given the indecisive gutlessness of the Democrats if Lou Dobbs wants to be President, his chance is coming.

Silence

2006-02-28T05:28:00.000-08:00

I was saved. Andulusan psycho-surgeons descended in the dark of night and repaired Harry, thereby salvaging me. As Clinton already proved, public figures can not shoot off their guns in private and avoid public disclosure.

I look at my work here and feel satisfied. Democratization of the Mid-East proceeds according to plan. An analogy would be turning hornets into honeybees by shoving a stick into their hive; conquering the fly-paper with five divisions financed by a tax-cut. The insect comparisons are endless.

Globalization of capital, dilution of equity, and the controllership of a non-owning managerial class will end the Western Nation-States. Environmental and economic disruptions and dislocations will turn the masses of people into a servile class and then into rampaging mobs. Fundamentalisms will foster hatred and war. Fragmentation, division and disintegration will finish the job.

I am happy.

Mood Change

2006-02-15T09:04:00.000-08:00

Yeah ok, I’m a shootist as long as the target can’t shoot back. Blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum. Don’t I have any regrets? Of course. I regret that bastard spoiling my shot, and helping me to end my career.

Last night I had to meet with the Andulusan counsel. Hard to say who exactly was there as everyone had on their hoods and robes. I thought I heard the voice of the Grand Wizard, King-maker George Schultz. I strained to hear if Karl was still included. I know for awhile his fate was being decided as well.

I think my role here in this body could be nearly over... It saddens me. Deeply. We own the courts, the executive and the Congress... I can get away with cooked intel, inventing war, smearing adversaries. For allowing industrial lobbies and cronies to craft public policy, etc. But we don’t own the court of public opinion. All of my other crimes are too complex for today’s simple minds to comprehend. But the court of public opinion operates on simplicity and emotional taglines: “Old guy shoots older guy.” It’s pathetic but it’s classic TV. It’s the 11 o’clock news.

Maybe we can get Bin Laden to take down another building: Like the Washington Post... Well, like I always say, “I’m not from Pluto but I’m still a plutocrat.”

Shooting Lawyers (More)

2006-02-14T07:37:00.000-08:00

As usual the bleating fools of the fourth estate missed the real story. They have made controversy over the delay in reporting the incident instead of what the details of the event mean: Here I am cavorting on the Ponderosa with anti-Ben Cartwright types, shooting things in fine style. Meanwhile real people in the Northeast are shoveling snow and everyone else is watching TV. The real story is, and will always be, how DIFFERENT I am from 99.9% of the people who think they are my countrymen!

As far as reporting the incident, I'll be damned if I'm going to bother discussing details every time I shoot someone. There's a war on, you know. In this case I was only being polite to the aristocracy of this 50,000 acre fiefdom to allow the noblesse time to escape before the hounds of the press descended upon them.

In other news, I see that McCain was in South Carolina smooching the very 'tuckus-es' of those-of-us who dumped on him in the 2000 primary. Which proves his own point of how important money is to power. If he keeps this up he will (hopefully) lose the independents!

Oh, and don't let me forget a very special Valentine's message... especially to you Maureen Dowd!

I’d like to refute that allegation

2006-02-12T13:54:00.000-08:00

About the VP shooting somebody: Let me set this story straight. I did not fire out of the window of my hovercraft at pen-raised birds and shoot a fellow hunter because he mentioned something about wiretaps being illegal. That’s hogwash! We were in the field at least five feet from the craft and the guy snuck up behind me and yelled “Look out, Howard Dean’s crazy-train is coming to town!” You damn right I shot him then. Who wouldn’t?

It’s been a rough week, too. The only sleep I got was a fifteen minute doze, if you will, on the Lehrer snooze hour.

Bored by Gore, or gored by Gore?

2006-02-06T07:07:00.000-08:00

Had an awful dream. Must of come about after watching Carvell and Begala with Big Tim pushing their latest loser-book. --And those nachos with fermented horse cheese. Carvell, and I know him through Mary, gave his half-assed prognostications: Twenty per cent chance I would run for “Grey Boy’s” job in ’08 and totally convinced Gore would run for the weak-Willy side.

In this terrible dream, the anti-Andulusan forces remake Al Gore, America’s number one nerd into Moses. He runs for Congress in ’06; six months into an economic depression. Not only gets a seat in the House but is made Speaker by the loser-landslide that defies our ten years of gerrymandering!

“Grey-Boy,” Me and half the Supreme Court gets impeached. The Republican minority in the Senate decides to lay-low and protect their own seats so they vote with the majority.... and, here’s the really scary part: I go to Jail!

Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter try to foment a mob uprising but are hanged for sedition.

I’ve thought about it good and hard. For one thing it was only a dream. Second-of-all I’ve been trained in Andulusan self-defense. If provoked, I can turn from my attacker and expel feces with brutal force. So watch out!

State of the Onion

2006-02-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

I didn’t write last night’s speech. But agreed with Karl about the overall strategy: Take a glib phrase from the Democrats about oil-addiction, and say little to upset the mid-terms. Luckily we are running against the luckless! Democrats are playing wiffle-ball in a game dominated by ad-hoc rugby-rules.

‘Grey-Boy’ is not to blame for getting us addicted to oil. He was only a dry-hole salesman at best. We both profited off the oil industry. Especially me. I knew years ago that gasoline was the devil’s urine and wanted to play a role in promoting it. Every S.U.V that fills its tank buys at least one bullet for the cause of jihad. It’s symmetry.

The challenge for us, who believe in power but not in government, is to uphold the former at the demise of the latter. So far it’s been easy to do. People are too forgetful. There’s the ‘Grey-Boy’ before 9/11 and the one after. There’s the ‘Grey-Boy’ who had indiscretions as a young man and the born-again ‘Grey-Boy’ who is forgiven. The same logic does not apply to minorities on death-row. But our philosophy is the philosophy of the lucky.

Uh, oh. The multiple-me recast switch has been moved. I feel myself plunging into the persona of a sixth-grade teacher:

“Distinguished guests, winners of reality shows --including the one in the Middle-East... and boys and girls. Today is report card day and I have to say, though you are capable of getting an A-minus; you are doing D-plus work. I have checked many recommendations for you which you should review with your parents, if you have any.

“First of all you need to study harder. A few facts do not make the truth. In depth knowledge is a pre-requisite for avoiding mistakes. Also, you need to learn how to get along with others. Here in Washington you boys and girls have engaged in a very mean-spirited name calling contest and have avoided your studies. You have spent your allowance and everyone else’s frivolously. And boys and girls if you have to pay somebody to be your friend, then that is not a good friend. That is a temporary playmate who will soon turn on you as you are now finding out. The state of our union is becoming pungent; it’s enough to make me cry.”

idiot-ology

2006-01-27T06:34:00.000-08:00

Let's get something straight: There are no issues on this planet; only people's competing interests. Ideology is about money and prejudice. I don't believe in ideology. I do believe in money and prejudice.

Here's an example: Liberals say there should be no bullying in the school yard. Old-fashioned conservatives say bullying belongs in the school yard; it's an important life lesson. Modern conservatives say: If someone hits my kid I want the full weight of the law to crush that bully. But if my kid hits somebody else then obviously the other kid deserved it and he should take it like a man instead of a cry-baby.

This course called Making Cognitive Dissonance work for you was the most important piece of my curriculum back on Andulusa where I studied diligently for my MFA degree. I majored not in Law or Economics but in something far more profound from which all the other disciplines are derived: Bullshit. It's taken me to where I am today.

Democracy in the Mid-East!

2006-01-26T05:20:00.000-08:00

Hamas, the terrorist organization looks like it won the ‘Palestinian’ Parliamentary election. Good show. Get them all in one place, I say, and kill them. Actually if they had any oil we would recognize them immediately and switch our stooge-payoff program from Fatah. But they have no oil, only religious fervor.

Since we have I/O on our hands we won’t be killing anybody; which is a shame. The best we can hope for is a Civil War. Hopefully we could back both sides till everybody’s dead. The only complication I can see is for our plans A & B. Plan A calls for us to equip the Israeli military to attack the Iranian nuclear facilities. Plan B is to shortly thereafter condemn the Israelis at the United Nations and cut off further aid to them. It’s such a genius-plan I’m surprised I thought of it by myself.

The problem as I see it is a personal one. First of all I am being ‘effective’ and as a result am breaking my personal vow: ‘To always do harm.’ I’ll have to sort this one out with my spiritual and strategy counselor on Andulusa.

The next to the last word

2006-01-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

While I’m feeding I watch the political talk shows. It’s good for laughter which is an aid to digestion. Some smart-ass, liberal wise-acre starts jabbering: “History won’t ‘mis-under-estimate’ this President...”

I began shouting at the TV with a mouthful of food. Messy. Of course “Grey-Boy” was underestimated by all his opponents. They looked, they saw a ne’er-do well from a rich family. A former drinker with no wisdom and limited intellect; --and figured he’s a political lightweight. But they didn’t know who built him! --The greatest media-geniuses in the galaxy.

“Grey-Boy” works like a machine. Hell, he is one! He will do and say anything to get what he wants. Or what he’s been instructed to get. And if it still can’t be gotten; well he didn’t want it in the first place.

Thomas Jefferson paid money to politically smear his old friend, crazy-John Adams. Today’s liberals want to discuss ISSUES. Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ha. Issues are what we call out-of-date magazines. So put that in your pipe and stroke it!

We are at War

2006-01-24T14:32:00.000-08:00

Every time one of those mealy-mouthed democrats opens his girly-mouth to complain about us looting the treasury, rolling wads of cash off our fat-cat pals for high-bid government contracts etcetera all we have to do to stop them dead in their tracks, is to say with all the seriousness we can muster. “We are a nation at WAR.” --You traitorous slime are emboldening our enemies. And the liberal bastards run home crying.

It’s always good for a gut-busting laugh. I’m the guy who cut the defense budget 25% under ‘Grey-Boy’s’ daddy-o. Heh, heh, heh. Had to. It was the peace dividend! Hah, hah, ho. Reagan had gone nuts on his 600 ship navy and ABMs. We pawned off the S & Ls to the Commercial Banks. We removed oversight. (Remember Junk-Bonds?) And then a few years later had to bail out the Financial Industry to a tune of, oh, around 5 trillion dollars when the commercial real-estate bubble collapsed. That was good for a laugh. “Grey-Boy’s” kid brother got caught with his tit in the ringer but got off.

So, yeah, we got 10 divisions in the Army and 2 1/2 for the Marine Corps. I did that a generation ago. We would have trouble fighting the Philippine Insurrection against natives with bolo knives. It’s been how long now, and there’s still this insolent debate about armor for “Humvees,” ( a stupid idea for an overpriced vehicle) and soldiers. While I thought this war a really good idea, I always thought the tax cut was a better one!

Whenever I see one of our Congressional caucus repeating the talking points, ‘we are at war’ to deflect whatever marginal criticism is being leveled by some gutless opponent, I high-five the TV. “Attaboy.” One Tenth of one percent of “us” are at war. The rest of us are “at money.” If you don’t like it wimp, then wipe your behind with it.

Because I Can

2006-01-22T15:22:00.000-08:00

If I’m careful... –and I mean careful with that new ‘multiple-me personality recast’ switch, I can get a setting where I don’t really assume a distinct personality, but I can LISTEN in to what people are thinking! Lots of them!

It’s cool and this way I can avoid reading that mountainous pile of transcripts that the NSA drops off by the truckload. I’m technically breaking the so-called law all by myself. And I’m lovin’ it!

McCain’s climbing on the anti-oil bandwagon; the ‘greenie.’ At least he wants to go nuclear. He’s not becoming a windmill-guy like Don Quixote or Donkey-Oatie as I like to call him. I think that’s where the Democrats come from...

Oil’s buttered my bread all these years. So has Government largess. Government built the canals and then collateralized the railroads, built the highways for the car industry, built the airports for the airlines, built the friggen’ sports stadiums for all the teams (Grey-Boy’s only success story). Government made the country rich and more importantly it’s made ME rich. So you can wipe your behind with all that free-market pap. And in another era I told that to Adam Smith.

I told him, look without Charters indemnifying against loss the Colonies (America) wouldn’t have come to anything. Government’s got to pick winners or it will end up picking losers. – Which brings me back to present day. ‘Grey-Boy’ will never pick another winner. But that’s a whole ‘nother story. Heh, heh, heh. How’d I get going on these tangents? Oh, yeah... --because I can!

Two Hearts

2006-01-21T06:44:00.000-08:00

Maureen Dowd, Maureen Dowd, Maureen Dowd. When have two opposing hearts had so much of each other on their minds? Of course my reserve heart has been moved to a secure spot behind my right knee. She’s after me again in today’s Times.

It’s the old taunt about not catching Osama bin Laden. She’s smarter than ‘Grey-Boy,’ too, but doesn’t quite get it either. It’s an old trick, called ‘Wars of the Stooges.’ If, you, the owners of a country are taking away rights, privileges, shares of wealth etcetera; you must provide suitable distractions.

Look at four of our last ‘wars:’ Manuel Noriega, former dictator of Panama had been on the C.I.A.’s payroll. Saddam Hussein, whom we have had the honor of fighting twice was our de facto ally against the Iranians in the mid-eighties.

We sent Rumsfeld there several times to shake Saddam’s hand. Once to sell them a pipeline deal and once on behalf of the Reagan Administration to hand-over satellite intelligence and billions of dollars in ‘agricultural assistance’ made fungible just for him so he could turn it into cash for the arms market.

Poison gas for Saddam? We and our Western allies made all that possible. In between we created the ‘mujahideen’ and thereafter the Taliban with two billion dollars. A billion from our taxpayers and another billion of recycled petro-dollars via the Saudis. So indirectly Osama bin Laden and his ‘computer data-base’ (Al Qaeda) of mujahideen have been a creation of our Foreign Policy.

You need wars and the threat of war as a suitable distraction. Who we gonna fight; China? That would be a real war with real consequences. We’d prefer to hand the Chinese our industry, give them to Wal-Mart as America’s supplier and borrow our money back from China at modest rates. This only makes sense, of course, if you understand our final game plan [Yuk, yuk].

But Maureen, Maureen, Maureen. --I need to remember not to move my head too suddenly as the personality switching-device could self-engage. I have learned to learn about her, without becoming her (again).

Most Strange

2006-01-20T06:22:00.000-08:00

This place is most strange. And look at me. No wonder I can’t find a husband. I am a husband! Need to get contacts, a high-class wig (reddish). Drop forty pounds and obtain some stylish clothes (and heels).

Things to do: Call for referral for surgeons. Have breast augmentation, sex-change operation and add freckles.

Draft for column: Abraham Lincoln (remember him) was the first Republican President. He was reared in a tiny wooden shack without plumbing or loving-kindness. His family owned an ax and a plow. He had little formal schooling and went on to become an inspiring writer, speaker (yes a lawyer too) and leader. The clarity of his thought is obvious across the planet and the generations. He was even nicknamed for his truthfulness. Inheriting a divided nation he saved the Union.

If Lincoln was Lincoln, then the current Republican President is the anti-Lincoln. His parents, grandparents and great-grandparents were millionaires. He went to the finest and most expensive schools and can not speak a single clear sentence. He is quoted only to prove the untruthfulness of earlier statements or by humorists mocking his twisted logic and prose. He inherited a nation calling for unity and instead divided it...

Side note: Throw out all the crap in the refrigerator and pick up some yogurts and bran muffins. God, these legs are awful. And I’m so out of shape. Time for a few crunches. Ugh, Ooo, Ugh. Maybe some jumping-jacks will get the blood pumping. Yikes what was that?

Thank goodness, the switch clicked over... Let’s see these computer notes. She was going to cut off my gonads! Just like her. Yogurt? Must have a good steak. Take an extra pill.

Will you read this trash... I’ll have to remove the hard-drive and eat it. Oh by the way, here’s a little collage of my return trip.

Multiple Me

2006-01-19T12:20:00.000-08:00

One of the new fixes I got off-planet, was the multiple-me re-cast switch. I can press a button and start thinking (and feeling) like anyone I want. It’s a great way to get a leg up on your enemies. This morning, while shaving I tried being Howard Dean for five minutes. My eyes got that weird look to them and I began hissing and cackling into the shaving mirror. I suppose it was Howard Dean looking into MY face.

I tried explaining it to ‘Grey-Boy.’ He nodded his half-robot head and sputtered something about tuning in “Ben Loden” (sic). I said that’s ‘Bin Laden,’ not Ben Loden. And this is a skill-set to be used against our ENEMIES not the stooges that keep us in power. He nodded, but doesn’t get it.

Anyway, I think this is really neat. I’m going to switch over my alter-personality to Maureen Dowd for a few minutes and see what she’s up to.

Oh my gosh! Ugh... I’ve got to get back... Uh oh, I think the switch is stuck...

Toys

2006-01-18T15:01:00.000-08:00

I got a neat gift back on Andulusa. It’s a Kerry-Wimp doll. You can step on it and it will whine: “Please don’t do that. It may be illegal.” And it makes the real Kerry scratch his chin. I love it. I’ve been stepping on it all day; it just cracks me up. I understand that Senator Kerry now has a chin rash. Too bad; maybe that’s illegal. Ha, ha.

Read Dowd today in the Times. Finally. She called it. If the real Kerry had gone to the Alamo in April of 2004. Looked into the camera instead of gawking around, and said: “ ‘Grey-Boy’ is a yellow-belly, influence-peddling, lie-in’ son of a bitch. And I’m gonna kick his little ass right here in Texas.” He’d be President right now. Of course then he’d have to figure out what to do with I/O. And we had sacked the Treasury already, leaving nothing but I.O.U.s...

But, enough pontificating. Listen to this: [Crunch] “Please don’t do that. It may be illegal.” I love it! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Back in the saddle again

2006-01-17T13:46:00.000-08:00

Back from the Saturnalia and feeling goooood! Had my spine stiffened back home, along with some real good personality infusions. I think they sent my holiday-hologram on some talk shows while I was away. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Watched some of the Alito hearings from the Star-Gate waiting lounge. I’m lovin’ it! To be fair Americans aren’t any stupider (ok, more stupid) than anyone else: they’re just as stupid.

Specter used the “i” - word. Impeach “Grey-Boy” and, what, get me? Americans don’t care about civil liberties. Americans don’t care about terrorists either. They only want someone to tell them bed-time stories. Americans are a people who want to believe. In Jesus. In anything. OK I got a bed-time story for you. “Go to friggin’ sleep, before I have you tortured to death in Syria. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah, boy. It’s good to be back.

I am not me

2005-12-29T13:42:00.000-08:00

Had an “event” at 4AM this morning. I was rushed to Secret Location Number 7 which has its own hospital. Probably “gas” the doctors there said. Maybe Sharon’s mini-stroke had me on edge, another suggested. They’ll need to be replaced by boot-lickers soon enough. I tried to count backwards in Andulusan and couldn’t.

I’m thinking that my brain is being replaced in stages. Maybe those techs showed up, after all, and are giving pieces of my gray-matter to “Grey-Boy.” Talk about alien abduction. Damn it; I am an Alien and even I’m not safe from it!

Had lunch with “Grey-Boy” later in the day. He looked unusually smart and confident. He buttered his bread all by himself. I even caught myself day-dreaming about a date with Maureen Dowd; and after what she wrote about me in today’s Times. --I’m not so bad to hang-out with, really. I can be funny and suave and know which wines to order with my Big Mac. --Something screwy is going on... I’ll have to get the NSA on it pronto.

Changes

2005-12-28T05:55:00.000-08:00

Saw a memo the other day: Security geniuses can train half-inch wasps, in a matter of hours, to detect bombs. In my day we trained WASPS for intelligence work too, but first had to send them to Yale.

I’m beginning to think it would be a good thing for me if Karl was indicted. I think I can handle “Grey-Boy” on my own. I’m wondering who on my staff can be trusted to leak specific rumors. This is not something I would want to get caught at.

We had a private debriefing with Rummy over the holiday weekend. About I/O. He was full of good cheer, even if the military audiences didn’t snap up the applause lines. But we dropped his bowel and removed the lower core brain and were able to download everything he saw, and heard as well as non-verbal clues and bad thoughts.

As privately suspected it’s a mess. Halliburton’s contracts with the North are still golden, though we haven’t found the right mix of people crazy enough to work there. The Filipinos we're used to, would rather work in Saudi Arabia or Oman. I guess we have to start training the Mexicans, Brazilians and Ecuadorians for such work. --We could pay them a lot less too!

It’ll be tricky legging out of the place before the mid-terms while the Civil War escalates. But I’ve thought about that too. We’ll put a bounty on news-people. Once our troops are clear, no reporter in their right mind will even land at the airport. Heh, heh, heh. What folks don’t know won’t hurt them.

Goodwill

2005-12-26T10:32:00.000-08:00

Spent a quiet day contemplating our good fortune. All is well. I thank my stars everyday for Howard Dean. His mouth is set to speaker-phone. It’s the opposite of ‘Grey-Boy,’ whose intellect (circuit-wise) is on semi-mute, except for cussing. Most of what Dean says is probably true, but like Bill Clinton there is no sense of gravity. And unlike Clinton no charm either.

Kerry was a dream too. A real ‘fighter.’ Somebody in his organization must have known he was going to be Dukakis-ed. Kerry wrapped up his nomination in April of ‘04 and stood around waiting for a sucker-punch. Which we happily provided with the Swift-Boat thing and Kerry lay on the canvas and drooled for a few weeks.

Bin Laden had been on vacation for three years. I/O was a mess and all the opposition could do was drool. It’s so easy to see that once we taught ‘Grey-Boy’ about God; (on my knee as a matter of fact) --you could see how GB’s primitive intelligence made all the connections: “Yes, and God loves ME!”

Hear this word...

2005-12-24T09:07:00.000-08:00

I’m the Adult in this Administration. So the pundits claim. --If they only knew what they were talking about. Yeah, I got a touch of the holiday blues. Not even curdled Llama’s milk can do its old magic.

With Scooter gone there’s no one to feed counter-Intel to the saps in the press. Like about the growing rift between “Grey-Boy” and me; as if one can have a falling out with an Automaton. It’s Karl who has minute-to-minute access to the control panel. OK, I won’t go there. Paranoia is counter-productive.

When I begin to feel this way I always cheer myself up with how splendid it is to be able to fool all of the people all of the time. Take I/O: we know, as anyone with half a brain, that we don’t have the troops for a fourth and fifth year rotation. Even with 20-100,000 contractors we can’t carry that weight. So Murtha spills the beans and let’s everyone know we’re mostly out of there in eighteen months. Yet we’ve defined the slander to paint those who want out in six months as traitorous, cut-and-run, cowards while the eighteen-month crowd is virtuous and patriotic. In Eighteen months we’re hoping to have a deal with Sadr for petro-rights in the South and we already have Northern petro-rights sewed up with the Kurds. Win-win on the bottom line; and all paid for with Chinese loans and obligations against the future working class. Brilliant.

We’ve done the same domestically. We painted the bastards against the ‘Alien and Sedition Acts’ as craven enemies of Christ and America. --While we help our buddies in Industry with a flood of cheap, illegal labor. And we do a song and dance about how we will secure those borders ‘down the road.’ Down the road to hell I say! I’m told that on the East Coast you can’t find an English-speaking craftsman in the building trades. All the housing-framers in New Jersey are Brazilian. The laborers are from Ecuador etc. Not only will they work for half the money and no benefits, they don’t know or care about safety rules. They fall off buildings, cut off their hands, gouge out their eyes but still they keep coming for the eight bucks an hour it would take them a week to earn back home. And the North thought it could abolish slavery. Fools! I knew we’d win over time.

Ah, I’m feeling so much better... Let me wish everyone like me a pleasant and prosperous holiday. The rest of you, go _ _ _ _ yourselves.

Am I being too paranoid?

2005-12-23T07:08:00.000-08:00

I generally hate TV. I really miss the home shows with their vituperative cynicism. Yeah we get some of that from Fox, but to me it’s preaching to the choir. And that Daily Show bugs me.

Saw “SoftBall” last night. Mathews was off. What’s her name was questioning the vicious Ice-Queen Maureen Dowd. I had to take a pill. Anyway Dowd mentioned that the Republican dream ticket for 2008 would be McCain and Condi. Or, perhaps, Condi heading the ticket as the “SITTING VP!” Which means getting ‘THE MAN’ to step aside early.

I wanted to put a hit on her. But I started thinking. Who is this Maureen Dowd; and what does she know; and when did she know it? I was in the room when the current version of Condi was brought to life. But Condi wouldn’t be doing anything I haven’t done by moving me aside. It’s what I did to my old boss Rummy, who we shipped off to I/O for the day. And McCain; that terrorist-loving S.O.B. --while he was luxuriating at the Hanoi Hilton I was busy making my bones in the Nixon Administration.

It goes back to the Vulcans, once shepherded by King-Maker George Schultz. He was the Grand-Wizard who brought “Grey-Boy” into the world. I told him; Mister Secretary, “Grey-Boy” doesn’t speak any Earth languages properly. And the Grand Wizard in his genius, said to me with the simple sanctity of his position on Earth and in the Oil Industry: “It doesn’t matter.”

I suppose the Scooter-thing has made me vulnerable and the Vulcans have possibly made their decision. Oh, dear me. I need to pray. But no longer to Vulcan that god of fire and smelting; --of the Earth’s cauldron a-boil in deviltry. No, we always pray to gods most like ourselves. Hear this word, Janus, and deliver me from those who would do to me what I would prefer to do to them. Amen.

What’s in a word?

2005-12-22T05:48:00.000-08:00

This note is for the file and should be destroyed if the Special Prosecutor ever gets the cohones for a warrant; got that, Addington?

I, throughout my many lives on this silly planet, have always been on the side of orthodoxy and privilege. I often digress about my early days in the Roman Empire, luckily it was during and after the first Century when administrators were prized for their cunning and did not have to show mettle for battle. Often I have been an American. During the Revolution I was naturally a Loyalist to the Crown. I was with Biddle at the Bank of the United States, Judah Benjamin in the Confederacy, etc. But I was not at all times an American; I was with Franco in Spain and much earlier during the Inquisition with Torquemada.

I haven’t always ended up on the side with the biggest winnings but usually have. I admit it has taken 140 years for the Confederacy to finally win the Civil War but you see the point I’m making...

Luckily for us there is no effective opposition. Howard Dean, John Kerry were only 1/8th the potential adversary of say a ‘Bugs Bunny.’ Eventually, though, some malcontent with nothing to lose will see the obvious, and out of sheer stupidity for his own betterment will announce it to the world. Take I/O for example. Our latest claim is that we want ‘Democracy’ there. Give me a break. We want a government for ourselves that knows EVERYTHING it can about its citizens and whose citizens know NOTHING about it. We cherish one-party rule. We will not legislate anything unless there’s a good buck in it for someone we know. We don’t want democracy for I/O; we don’t want it for America!

Anyway. When the Archivists from Andulusa go through the record I want them to know I was prescient enough to investigate and secretly imprison or kill anyone who starts making waves about us being ‘Fascists.’ It’s still an ugly word even though it means beautiful things to many of us, and we can’t let the ‘debate’ go there.

Oh what fun it is...

2005-12-21T12:55:00.000-08:00

Oh what fun it is... Yes it’s me singing. I’m using Voice to Text for a hands-free experience. That way I can pat myself on the back. I finally got to do something legal today. I mean I work damn hard coordinating ‘Grey-Boy’ with Karl, giving guidance to that used-up wench of my best friend Rummy etc. But today I got to break a tie in the Senate. And what a pleasure it was too. I cut Medicaid, Medicare and student loans. Just in time for Christmas! What Yule-time joy. My ecstasy knows no bounds.

Heh-heh-heh. I recall some months ago while out pressing the flesh some born-again comes up to me. Not one of our usuals, you know the ‘Pioneers’ and better who run the mega-churches and wear microphones while they’re up there performing and pulling in the big bucks. But some small-town, holy-roller. He comes up to me representing no more than 300 potential voters. So I gave him 15 seconds. He says, “You have got to know JESUS...”

I almost told him the truth: “Know him; I’m the one who recommended he be executed!” And it’s true. It was during a much earlier incarnation on this planet. I was working for Pilate in those days. He taught me a lot too. I’ll always regard Pilate as an important mentor. He told me not to use high office to chase tail, but to accumulate wealth. Which is what I’ve done all these earth-lives. Make your connections, take your bribes, use your influence and you will rise to the top of the heap.

As for Jesus or whatever Jewish name he was using, not very memorable: Just a malcontented local. Certainly wasn’t any music swelling in the background when he moved his eyeballs. We executed a lot of dangerous types in those days. Hell, we had our own version of the Patriot laws. Ha, ha, ha. Hey, pass on to ZXYUP a ‘Happy Saturnalia’ for me. Bye.

Before I start complaining...

2005-12-19T09:21:00.000-08:00

Got back from I/O last night. I hate going there, but we can’t send “Grey-Boy.” We sent him once, he spent two hours pretending to be like everybody else, which doesn’t work. On second thought maybe we will send him again, that is if he doesn’t go berserk like he did last night.

This actually gets funny, but Karl was sweating bullets. He had to run last night’s speech on his own. I know he hates it. With all that circuitry blown it gets trickier. It’s a marathon event and Karl usually puts on a diaper before show-time.

Anyway, as they were downloading the speech GB starts going haywire. He begins strutting around the room proclaiming, “I am the leader, you must obey me!” Karl couldn’t contain him and GB got loose in the hallway. He made one of the Marine guards salute him and then tie his shoes.

Karl dismissed the Marines and was able to “Zero-Figure” him right there. As you might remember there is a little button in the top of his rectum which puts him into a “Jumping Jack” position and opens his brain case. That’s where the re-set handle is. No one else came along and once re-set Karl got him out of the hallway.

Tonight’s the press-conference. It’ll be a two-diaper event for Karl. But I’ll be there too. We figure we’ll hold it to thirty programmable talking points. My ratio is to work in the words: “freedom” fifteen times, “victory” eight times, and “protect” twenty times. I used to worry that the fact his syntax was shot would make him a laughing stock, but hell, it’s been five years, and even if his poll numbers have gone a bit south the rubes still take it seriously!

If you guys can’t send a decent tech, or new parts how about a DVD of my favorite shows I’m missing down here. I’ve always been a big fan of the ‘Hail Storm’ show.

Can you hear me?

2005-12-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

The folks down here are getting suspicious. We need new instructions. "Grey-Boy" has been off his game. We need some techs for a major fix. We had to give interviews and you could almost hear the X-Tube sparking from his head-device. Don't know how long we can keep this going without a total replacement. As ZXYUP may have mentioned my priority request for "Grey-Boy2" or even "Grey-BoyB" has been in channel for at least two local years.

Condi's doing great. We could use a dozen more. They think those Anduluson freckles means she's a minority. Yeah, I'll say. Did Karl tell you about Rummy? His entire bowel dropped out on the way to a hearing. He didn't know about it either. His nerve sensation had been switched to off. A couple of deputies had to pull him into a men's room in the Senate and relocate forty pounds of innards from his pants. Luckily they fit it into several briefcases. Part of his brain module was attached, but he didn't need it. At least half the Senate are our clones, the rest are so dumb and gutless they could question a mannequin to their satisfaction. Anyway, Rummy's out. They stopped making his model early last century and we'll just do a replacement. Though, this will cause exception errors with "Grey-Boy." He doesn't recompute new names or faces. "Grey-Boy's" face doesn't work either. But he's done an outstanding job seeing how he was put into place with the vocabulary and syntax structure of a dolphin.

I have to sign off for now. One of my guys is facing a trial. Now there's a joke for you. Hail Andulusa!

Later,
"C"